Breathe Again
by LGCoffeeAddict
Summary: Where even was he? Everything about this case was covered by the media, from the second she was kidnapped. How could he not have seen it? Why wasn't he here for her? Post-Psycho/Therapist


Breathe Again

A Law & Order: SVU fic by Gigi

**A/N: First attempt. Be kind. Please. Also I haven't finished the series yet, so let's just say I'm using artistic liberties if I make any mistakes?**

It was over. Finally, _finally_ over.

Olivia tried her best not to hobble down the stairs, but nobody was around for her to keep up her front. There were only two steps left on this flight when she gave up and all but fell into a seated position, curled around one of the railing posts.

She'd faced Lewis. He was going to jail. Despite all his horrifying, vile tricks, he wasn't going to walk. Despite her own mistakes, he wasn't going to be a free man. He wouldn't be able to terrorize her from Rikers. His face wouldn't pop up on every man she happened across anymore. She didn't have to fear entering her apartment to somehow stare into the barrel of his gun anymore.

Relief crashed over her like a physical force. A keening cry echoed in the empty stairwell, and the railing post became the only thing anchoring her to the ground under the onslaught of pure, unadulterated relief. Tears flowed onto her lap, large damp circles blooming on her skirt. He was gone. She could breathe again.

Maybe.

Heaving, Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and tried to force out Lewis' image from behind them. It wasn't from the attack anymore, though. No, that was replaced by an enraged Lewis in a suit with a scar around his eye, yelling so much his spit hit her face, flaunting her humiliation for everyone to see. Declaring she unloaded her fantasies about her ex-partner on him that last day. That he would have known what to do.

And she had done nothing but whisper back, "He would've."

She dug her palms into her eyes, trying to get that terrifying moment out of her head. Hearing that from Lewis had been like a violent slap back to the past, to his four days' worth of torture that lead her to wish so hard just to see Elliot's face again that she gave Lewis just what he wanted.

Power over her. Over her emotions. In open court. Knowing that, above every other despicable and depraved thing he did to her, would keep her thinking about him long after the case was closed.

Elliot _would_ have known what to do. That thought just kept rolling around and around in her head as she struggled to get her breathing under control. She lowered her hands and wiped the smeared makeup on her skirt. Elliot would have done exactly what she had done. She finally picked up his rage issues two years after he left.

Where even was he? Everything about this case was covered by the media, from the second she was kidnapped. How could he not have seen it? _Why wasn't he here for her_?

Anger, desperation, hopelessness, and no small amount of self-loathing all rushed in to overwhelm the wave of relief she'd just felt. The fear that always lingered below the surface when she was still partners with Elliot surged forward. The fear that he didn't need her as much as she needed him. Or that he didn't care how much she needed him.

She needed him _so much_ this last year, and he hadn't even called her.

Her fingers were fumbling over her phone before she even registered taking it out from her pocket. Elliot's number stared her in the face, and for the first time in two and a half years, she let her thumb fall onto the call button. As she held the phone up to her ear, she prayed he hadn't changed his number the way she had when she'd disappeared on him.

The rings seemed to go on forever, and Olivia could just picture Elliot in his house trying to get Eli to turn down the TV so he could start to find his phone because he no longer needed to have it surgically attached to his hip. That image created a vice-like grip on her heart, and whatever headway she'd made toward calming herself down completely dissipated. Every ring that went unanswered sent her further into her hysteria.

And then the ringing stopped.

"Liv?"

That single, gravelly syllable stole Olivia's breath away. It simultaneously loosened the clenching in her chest and made her more terrified than ever.

"Liv?" There it was again. That nickname that everyone used but only ever sounded special coming from him. "Liv, are you there?" He sounded hesitant, like if he talked too loudly she'd panic and hang up.

She might have if she didn't have a coughing fit from literally holding her breath for too long. It was wet, her nose was dripping, and she probably looked like a mess. As grateful as she was that he couldn't see her, there was no other person she'd have let in when she was like this and she wanted so much to be angry with him for not being there.

"Liv? Liv! Are you okay?" A familiar panic threaded through the phone as she somehow stopped the fit before she started hyperventilating. "Liv, talk to me."

"Why…why weren't you here for me?" Olivia finally managed to whisper.

"Liv…" Elliot breathed. He knew. He'd been watching the news, following her case. She could tell. He felt guilty.

"All those years, El," she cut him off. "All those cases. You got so mad at me for not letting you in about what happened at Sealview…" She drew in a shuddering breath, forcing air into her lungs which seemed to want to cave in on themselves. "This was a thousand times worse than Sealview…and you didn't even call."

"I wanted to, so badly," he rasped. "I almost got in my car and drove to see you at least a hundred times since I saw the news in May."

"But you _didn't_. You made me need you. I goddamned _needed_ you, El, and you weren't there."

A hollow breath sounded in her ear, and Olivia closed her eyes and leaned her head on the railing, letting the cool metal soothe her pounding head. "I heard you won," Elliot murmured. In the quiet of the stairwell, she could hear the faint chatter of the news channel filter in through the line.

"Almost didn't," she exhaled, keeping her eyes shut. "Lewis defended himself. He kept—he kept twisting everything around so much…he humiliated me all over again, and I let him."

"Liv," Elliot scoffed, and she could just see how bright his eyes got when he was defending her even against herself. He didn't even have to tell her how wrong her thinking was, how stupid she was for blaming herself. He said it all just in that one word.

Olivia's breathing had slowed down to a somewhat normal pace, just listening to him breathing in her ear. "I hate you for leaving me," she confessed softly.

"I should have been there for you," he answered. "I should have stopped Lewis from ever touching you."

"But you left." There wasn't any anger in her words anymore. All she could focus on was breathing and his voice and just remembering she was _alive_ and that Lewis was never going to see the light of day again.

"There was no coming back from what I did, Liv." The news in the background stopped abruptly as Elliot turned off the TV, probably rubbing his face the way he did when he felt helpless. "But I still should have been there for you."

"You were my partner, El." Olivia clutched the railing even tighter. _Partner_ had always meant so much more with them. It hurt to remember how thoroughly isolated she felt when Cragen told her Elliot was gone. "I talked about you when I was in that beach house."

Silence. It sounded like Elliot had stopped breathing altogether. "You don't have to tell me, Liv," he said finally.

"I was…I was handcuffed to the bed, and he kept—he shoved my own gun down in my mouth, and I wanted you to somehow find me and fix everything." She was starting to lose control again, flashes from those four days blaring behind her eyelids. "I'm dating Cassidy now, and for those few seconds he didn't matter…I could only think about you, about how I wanted you to save me and make everything go away." Tears followed the treads left from before down her face, but for the life of her, she couldn't bring herself to care how weak she felt. Lewis had already torn her apart twice now; she couldn't feel much lower than she had this past week. And, despite everything he'd done, Elliot was _still_ the only person she let see her like this.

Her phone buzzed in her hand, and she took it away from her face to see the warning that she had less than 10% left of her battery. "My phone's dying," she declared, not wanting to hear any more of Elliot's very telling silence. "Brian's probably worried about me. I should go."

"Liv."

Her heart clenched again. It had been so long since he'd said her name like that. Like he was stroking her cheek with his thumb, trying to erase any sign of sadness from her face. She dragged the back of her hand across her cheeks. "What?"

"I'm going to be there for you next time. Whenever you need me. I will always pick up the phone for you." His voice, full of pent up worry and fierce protection, made her want to crawl inside the phone and never leave.

She opened her mouth to answer him but the telltale buzz of the phone powering down sounded in her ear instead. She caught her reflection in the dark screen. She looked like a wreck…but she could breathe again.

**A/N: Ahhhhh, I didn't know how to end it without basically repeating shit, but how was my first foray into the SVU fandom? I know it's angsty, but I honestly can't picture Elliot not being there for Olivia. But since he wasn't…I don't know, I felt like I needed this scene. Hopefully some of you did, too! Please drop me a review!**


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